Behavior is always purposeful. People start and continue to do things because it serves a purpose in their lives. Ideally, everything we think, feel, say or do would help us get closer to getting what we really want and need, and make it more likely we’d end up with the kind of life we really want to have. However, people don’t always think, feel, say and do what would help them do so. They often have what Rudolph Dreikurs called Mistaken Goals.
Dreikurs observed school age children for many hours and postulated that when they misbehaved, they had one of four “mistaken” goals. He called them:
- Attention
- Power (and control)
- Revenge
- Avoidance of Failure
They are called “mistaken” because the students did get something out of what they did when misbehaving, but it made getting what they might really want less likely, i.e. getting along with the teacher, doing well in school. Their short-term goal was “mistaken” for that reason.
It’s not only children in classrooms that have “mistaken” goals. People of all ages can have “mistaken” goals that get them off course from getting what they really want and need. Power (and Control) and Revenge are common “mistaken” goals people will have in dealing with each other. Demonstrating they have power and are in control is often the “mistaken” goal of things people say and do to others. Getting even is often the goal as well.
There are some common adages that suggest people have always recognized that they and others sometimes have “mistaken” goals, even before Dreikurs coined the term. For example;
- Negative attention is better than no attention at all
- You won a battle but lost the war
- You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face
There is an additional “mistaken” goal people often have. It’s Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief. People often do things to withdraw from or avoid unpleasantness in their lives, and to get relief from the feelings that go with it. People who smoke, drink, use drugs and even attempt suicide typically have the “mistaken” goal of Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief. It’s “mistaken” because in the long run their lives get worse instead of better. For example, they can become addicted, lose jobs, friends and family, overdose, become seriously ill, or even die.
Part of attaining Positive Mental Health is awareness. Becoming aware of the fact that you have “mistaken” goals can be a first step in turning your life in a more helpful direction. It’s why for Tool 7 – A step-by-step approach to troublesome life events, in Step C (Consequences), we pose the questions “Did what you said or did make things better or worse?” and given that the answer is typically worse, “What might have been your mistaken goal in doing that?”. It’s why Tool 9 – A simple non-judgmental way to evaluate thoughts, feelings and actions is important and part of the process. It’s why it’s important to pose the questions:
- What do you really want? (How do you want to feel? What do you want your life to be like?)
- How are what you think, feel, say or do working for you? (Is it helping you get what you really want, or making it harder?)
- If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you are now, will it be easier or harder to get what you want in the future?
- If someone else thinks, feels, says and does that, are you likely to get what you want from them or with them, to feel the way you would like to?
