Last year, in honor of World Mental Health Day, a group of dedicated coaches wrote the book Courage: Coaches & Entrepreneurs Share Their Stories of Struggle and Their Strategies for Success, to share learning and wisdom from the challenges that impacted their mental well-being and lives. The authors provide tools and resources to help those experiencing similar struggles so they can have means for additional support. Below, I share my chapter, highlighting how EQ, PsyCap, (HERO), and connection with others can help combat isolation and loneliness.
We are facing a loneliness epidemic, severely affecting mental health and well-being worldwide. The magnitude of the persistence of the problem of loneliness is apparent from the added measure in the Gallup Global Emotions 2024 report. Statistics show that over one in five adults report feeling lonely. Loneliness has become the most significant threat to people’s ability to thrive because it amplifies negative emotions and suppresses positive ones. (1) I suffered through loneliness and isolation for the better part of my childhood. I often found myself struggling with overwhelming negative feelings of sadness, isolation, abandonment, oppression, and being unloved. My story has always had people asking the same question: how did I turn out so normal? I won’t lie; those were my life’s most challenging years. The resources that significantly increased the odds for my well-being and perseverance came from other people and my ability to build Psychological Capital. (PsyCap) Fred Luthans developed the concept in the early 2000s for Organizational Psychology. He defined it as an individual’s positive psychological development that prospers from the internal positive resources of hope, efficacy, resilience, and optimism. They spell the acronym Hero and make managing and weathering difficult situations possible. (2) These internal resources fueled my determination to see my life as something worth living for.
“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are”- Joseph Campbell.
HOPE-THE PERSPECTIVE THAT LIGHTS THE WAY
What comes to mind when you think of the word hope? I think of hope as a positive feeling that holds the belief that something good will happen. It allows us not to dwell on negative feelings by keeping a positive mindset that anticipates something brighter in the future. It is one of the four positive psychological constructs that comprise Psychological Capital. It is the most drawn-upon psychological resource when life becomes unbearable. It is what prayers are full of. It is the resource that mentally helps fuel the belief that we can emerge triumphant in our fight. However, as adversities increase, the ability to hold onto hope becomes increasingly more difficult. As it would be for me when I continued to experience traumatic death and loss in my young life. Within three and a half years, my youngest brother and I lost our entire family of loved ones. At age seven, I lost my mom in a horrific drunk-driving accident in which my brothers and I were also involved. A little over a year later, my mom’s entire family disappeared from our lives with no explanation. I later found out my dad kept them away. Their absence was extremely difficult for me. It intensified my loneliness and filled me with anger and confusion over their disappearance. I had been so close to my maternal grandmother and great-grandmother. It was a tough time for me because I lost the rest of my maternal nurturing. Two years later, at age eleven, I lost my eight-year-old brother to a brain aneurysm. Like the death of my mom, I was with my brother when he died. We were sharing a bed on a camping trip. I get choked up over the memory of him waking up from sleep and crying over his head hurting. I remember the utter despair I felt four hours later when I couldn’t wake him. I felt utterly lost and devastated that my maternal family was not at his funeral. I later found out they were never told about his death. I can’t share my story without telling you that after my mom’s death, I convinced myself that I had imagined the car collision before it happened. I later learned that this was a normal response to grief for a child my age (3). I didn’t have someone to help me with my grief, which caused this belief to become a debilitating phobia of death, believing that my thoughts could cause others to die. This fear dominated my mind for years before it finally let go. I was determined to succeed from a young age, no matter the challenge. I vividly remember learning to ride my first big bike—a red Schwinn 3-speed. I practiced every day, driven by the desire to master it. The hope that I could succeed gave me a sense of control; it fueled my motivation and provided determination to keep going. Hope became the positive force that boosted my well-being, strengthened my resilience, and reinforced my belief that I could get through this.
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”– Bob Marley.
EFFICACY-THE BELIEF YOU CAN SUCCEED
Hope brings the positivity that encourages us to push through challenges, but what fuels our belief that we can succeed? This is where the following construct of Psychological Capital comes in: efficacy. Developed by Bandura, self-efficacy is our faith in our ability to produce a desired outcome in any task or challenge. It gives us the confidence that drives our effort and persistence to overcome these obstacles. (2) Building self-efficacy was essential; I needed to trust in my ability to navigate the hurdles that stood in the way of my continued development and well-being. I drew from a few essential resources contributing to my belief that I could weather my environment successfully. One of the most profound was the healing power of compassion. Afte my mom’s death and my dad’s subsequent remarriage, I found myself in a hostile, loveless environment that deepened my loneliness. Struggling with anger and questioning my purpose, I felt guilty for complaining when others faced worse hardships. This internal struggle shifted my focus from my grief to understanding others’ suffering, revealing the transformative power of compassion. The impact of extending an external lens to encompass others’ feelings led me to see how our suffering diminishes. Knowing that others endured even more incredible hardships gave me the confidence to face my challenges. I developed a heightened awareness of others’ struggles, which helped cultivate my greatest superpower, empathy. I was raised Catholic, and even from a young age, my belief in God was instrumental to my growth and well-being. He was my constant companion during all that loss; his presence was my only comfort. My deep belief in God gave me the confidence that I could succeed. He helped me understand I had a purpose in life; my life was his gift, and I would one day experience the happiness of being me. I just needed to wait, even though waiting felt like serving a prison sentence. Another crucial factor in building and strengthening my self-efficacy was drawing on the foundation my mom and her family provided from birth until her death. The early years of a child’s life, particularly between birth and age five, are vital for brain development. During this time, genetic and environmental influences shape the child’s brain, with parent-child interactions playing a pivotal role in fostering well-being and social competence (4). My relationship with my mom and maternal family continuously reminded me of my identity and origins. Their nurturing presence and the strong genes I inherited significantly shaped my personality and resilience. I incorporated this legacy into my efficacy, which became a powerful tool in every challenge I faced. Additionally, I learned later that my great-grandmother’s lineage traced back to the Magna Carta, which reinforced the sense of fighting spirit and resilience that I felt in my veins.
“The harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph.”– Swami Sivananda.
RESILIENCE-THE STRENGTH THAT FUELS ENDURANCE
What enables us to endure hardships, especially when change seems unlikely? This is where resilience—the most crucial construct of Psychological Capital—comes into play. Resiliency keeps us going when hope, efficacy, and optimism are low. (5) It allows us to bounce back and grow stronger from negative experiences. (2) While our resilience builds each time, we successfully rebound from adversity, we also need other resources to support our mental and physical stamina. Even though I had become stronger from constantly bouncing back, my mental health and well-being were wearing down. I am incredibly grateful for the people God placed in my life during this time; their presence bolstered my resilience and contributed to my mental health and well-being. Enduring the emotional strain of loneliness throughout my teenage years was highly challenging, especially as an extrovert who thrived on connection. We all share a universal need to feel seen and valued, and the people who showed up for me were the gifts that made all the difference. Their love and support encouraged my resilience and helped me feel my purpose. I would be remiss not to acknowledge the one person who consistently provided the light I needed to manage the darkness—she was the mom I had been missing all those years. Her name was Pearl. Another resource that bolstered my resilience was my continued development of Emotional Intelligence. Although I couldn’t change what was happening around me, I discovered that I had the power to limit its impact by enhancing my emotional literacy. According to Six Seconds, emotional literacy is simply identifying and understanding feelings accurately. (6) As I began reflecting on people’s behaviors and their emotional drivers, I realized that the difficulties I faced weren’t about me. This understanding was instrumental in strengthening my resilience. It empowered me to feel I was in control of choosing how I wanted to feel, rather than feeling someone was making me feel something. During this transformative period, I solidified my understanding that I was the only one who controlled my emotions. I didn’t fully grasp it then, but this emotional work was pivotal in how my Emotional Intelligence supported my resilience. It was the understanding that I didn’t have to accept the transference of other people’s emotions onto me. As the saying goes, I could leave it where it belongs, and that was with the other person. I spent many years processing emotions, both mine and others, to help me understand the motivation behind behavior. It increased my resilience and gave me essential knowledge about controlling my feelings. I honed my inner strength as I continued to grow my emotional intelligence.
“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”–Marcus Aurelius.
OPTIMISM-THE FEELING THAT ENERGIZES
One of my top strengths is my zestful energy. People often tell me that they wish they had my energy. I am a WOO in Gallup’s Clifton Strengths finder, which means I live for connection and thrive on interacting with others. While WOO is often defined as enjoying “winning others over,” I see it as an invitation to share energy and create genuine connections. On the topic of improving well-being with WOO, Dr. Jaclynn Robinson noted how WOOs uniquely energize people by infusing warmth, welcome, and happiness into their interactions. (7) It’s why I love connections; I love to spread warmth and happiness. One of the wonders of this energy is that it’s full of optimism, the fourth positive construct in our Psychological Capital. Optimism is often seen as a by-product of hope, efficacy (confidence), and resilience. (5) Some say optimism pairs naturally with hope and confidence. Still, I see a crucial difference: Hope and confidence are feelings that our brain helps us believe, shining inwardly, while optimism is felt in the heart and shines inward and outward. It becomes infused in our soul’s energy! Maybe it’s the loss of loved ones or the profound impact others have had on my well-being, but I deeply understand the value of people and connection. I believe optimism helps spread appreciation and makes connections more meaningful. It also gives us the courage to be vulnerable. Someone once asked why I look for meaning in everything, and I thought, if I’m not searching for meaning, then what’s the purpose of living? Optimism helps us continually understand our purpose in life. When I share a warm smile and good morning with people while riding my bike, I experience the ease of how optimism creates mutual positive synergy. Most often, I receive the same warmth and greeting in return. I then see the happiness that starts to spread across people’s faces. It is full of optimism that shows how meaningful connection is. Optimism is an essential tool that allows me to instantly connect and build trust with others. It’s one of my superpowers and a big part of my energy. One way that I fuel my optimism is by practicing my spirituality. It gives me an underlying sense of our connection and role in the universe. One of the most meaningful compliments that made my heart smile came from a dear friend and colleague who said I was the most authentic person she ever knew. I believe optimism helps bring out many meaningful qualities and allows me not to be afraid of being vulnerable in connections.
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” – Pablo Picasso.
MEANINGFUL TAKEAWAYS
If there is one thing life has taught me, it’s this: we all suffer hardships throughout our lives. As we navigate life’s journey, our challenges provide us with knowledge and strength that help us continue to grow and prosper. One of the most critical ways to prosper is through meaningful connections. Our ability to share emotions with others is one of life’s greatest gifts that makes us better people. There’s a profound sense of validation in being seen, supported, and understood by someone else—an affirmation that resonates profoundly and reminds us we are not alone. I wouldn’t have been able to thrive mentally during my teen years without the support and love of others. My psychological strength was rooted in knowing there were people in my life, both past and present, who genuinely loved me. Supportive people around us are essential during difficult times that challenge us mentally. I’ll illustrate this with my own experience: When I’m overwhelmed by challenges, my instinct is to retreat and isolate myself, believing I lack the energy to support others while managing my difficulties. However, I’ve found that withdrawing doesn’t rejuvenate me. Instead, I often miss out on the positive interactions that uplift and energize me. Finally, we are much more capable than we know ourselves to be. Some instances during my childhood made me feel like I couldn’t manage anymore. It was profoundly empowering to realize that I could control my internal thoughts and choose how I perceive and think about situations. When we invest in self-work, particularly in understanding and processing our emotions, we empower ourselves profoundly. This work is not just about managing emotions but about recognizing the strength and resilience we already possess. By tuning into our feelings, we gain clarity, self-awareness, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges confidently. We connect with ourselves and others through self-discovery and emotional intelligence, creating a foundation for more fulfilling and purposeful lives. I am a devoted lifelong learner who loves meeting new people and sharing life experiences. I’ve been blessed with many beautiful connections that have fueled my ability to live with purpose. In my personal and professional life, I embrace meaningful connections as the driver of well-being and fulfilment. I enjoy partnering with leaders to help them become HEROs in building connective cultures that help people thrive.
“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.” —Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
References:
(1) https://www.gallup.com/analytics/349280/gallup-global-emotions-report.aspx
(2) https://positivepsychology.com/psychological-capital-psycap/
(3) https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Grief-008.aspx
(4) https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-science-of-ecd/
(5) https://www.mindtools.com/aocqqad/what-is-psychological-capital
(6) https://www.6seconds.org/2023/07/13/enhance-emotional-literacy/
(7) https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/398237/how-to-improve-your-wellbeing-with-woo.aspx
