Authentic Communication

I had to look up the term “authentic communication” because I’d never heard it before. “Effective” yes but not authentic.

I like to think of communication in terms of effective vs. ineffective, or constructive vs. destructive, helpful vs. unhelpful, rational (makes life better) vs. irrational (makes life worse).

First, I think you have to consider why communication is so often ineffective, destructive instead of constructive, or unhelpful instead of helpful. The answer is usually that it’s done from an unhelpful mental and emotional place. People needlessly manufacture or magnify threats out of proportion to reality by the way they choose to look at things, something that typically comes quite automatically from prior practice. They get angry for example. This makes them more likely to react instead of respond, making them less response-able. They are more prone to become aggressive rather than assertive. It’s part of why I like a THINK-FEEL-DO thermostat model visual. It can help people see where they are, or might want to be emotionally, what the behavioral consequences are, and why they are there, and what it will take to get somewhere that’s more helpful.

Need Necessity Demand	High	Awful	Can’t Stand It	Label And damn	Anxiety	Anger	React	YOU Messages
Want Preference Desire	Medium	Unpleasant Inconvenient Uncomfortable	Don’t Like It	Dislike The Behavior	Concern	Frustration Irritation Annoyance	Respond	I Messages
Don’t care	Low	Don’t care	Don’t care	Don’t care	Calm	Calm	Do nothing	Remain silent

 

Ergo, the value and importance of having the tools to get and stay in the best possible mental and emotional place. It’s why tools like having an internal locus of control, choosing to have Unconditional Other Acceptance, and recognizing and correcting any irrational thinking you might engage in are so helpful and crucial.

Most people have an external locus of control and wrongly see, and blame others, what others say and do and what happens for how they feel. This typically causes them to generate more emotion than is necessary or helpful, which in turn causes them to react or overreact. Many times, they actually blame others for how they feel in their comments.

Unconditional Other Acceptance means choosing to see what others think, feel, say or do as part of being human and understandable given what their life experiences have been, which may have been much different than our own. That doesn’t mean we have to like or agree with what they do. But it helps temper our emotional response to what we don’t like or agree with.

Manufacturing threats where they don’t exist or magnifying ones that do out of proportion to reality and generating more emotion than is necessary or helpful because of that, occurs when people start to think they need things they simply want, treat simple preferences as necessities, and start to demand what they simply desire. Everyone has the right to want whatever they want, as long as they accept that we don’t always get what we want, especially when what we want conflicts with what others want. The mistake they make is to start to demand what they simply desire. They are also more likely to then see what is happening or might see as awful instead of just unpleasant, inconvenient or uncomfortable, to tell themselves they can’t stand what has or is happening and couldn’t stand what might happen, and to label and damn others instead of just dislike their behavior.

Recognizing when you engage in such thinking is important, but so is practicing correcting it in simple and succinct ways, i.e. “They have to, or you just want them to?” You want to practice this so much that it becomes totally automatic, like grammar check on a computer.

Another tool is recognizing when we (and others) have mistaken goals. Mistaken goals get people off course from what they really want, i.e. getting along with someone else and being close. Two common mistaken goals in conflicts are POWER AND CONTROL and REVENGE.

Once someone becomes skilled at getting and staying in the best possible mental and emotional place, there’s the mechanics of communication. Too often people use what are called YOU messages, which include demands, threats, putdowns, orders, commands, sarcasm, lectures, etc. It often involves finger pointing, which no one likes. They are also called solution messages because they attempt to take away from others their right to choose what they think, feel, say or do. No one likes that, and it typically triggers a knee-jerk reaction of defiance, rebellion or retribution. That’s why YOU messages are usually ineffective at getting what we want.

I Messages simply provide information and leave it up to the other person as to what they want to do about it. For example, what we don’t like or don’t want. It always helps to include what we like or want instead with such information. If there is any finger pointing, it helps to point your finger at your own chest. It also helps to depersonalize I messages, i.e. “I don’t like when PEOPLE do that to me” instead of “I don’t like it when YOU do that to me”. It also helps to acknowledge others’ thoughts and feelings, i.e. “I realize you don’t agree with that, and I can understand why you wouldn’t”. It also helps to apologize for anything you can and feel comfortable apologizing for, i.e. “I’m sorry we can’t see eye to eye on this”. It can help to talk about things both parties can agree on, i.e. “I don’t like when we argue and fight about things” or “I like it better when we get along”.  We can share how we feel with others, but we always want to make sure we don’t wrongly make them responsible for how we do. Sometimes sharing how we feel is not best, i.e. a child telling a bully they are sad because of what the bully has done.

Part of developing an internal locus of control is to recognize and remind ourselves of what we do and don’t have control over. We never really control what others think, feel, say or do. Many people think, act and talk as if they do, but they don’t, and that only serves to invite defiance and rebellion in others. It even helps to acknowledge to others that we don’t have and don’t want to have control over them, i.e. “I can’t and don’t want to try to control what you do. I know I only control what I do”. However, we can sometimes influence what others might think, feel, say or do if we communicate in effective ways.

There is a technique called “putting your behavior where you want your attitude to be”. It means practicing talking the way you want to think. There are two ways to get to the right mental and emotional place to communicate in the most effective way. One is to become proficient at the tools listed above. The second is to simply practice using I Messages all the time. It has the effect of turning our THINK thermostats down. Our FEEL thermostat will follow, which then makes it more likely we will continue to use I Messages and communicate in the most effective way possible.